Yeah, it's true. I have a hard time learning to let go, let go of outcome, of attachment to outcome, letting go of past resentments and old friends.
We all must start by dieing to the past.
LOVING WHAT IS.
I have been doing lots of hot yoga in the last two weeks.The instructor warns us of how some anger/resentment/melancholy/nostalgia can be pent up in the hips. I snicker inside when she says this, for I feel very present with my feelings. I'm way too self absorbed not to notice my emotions. Sigh. God, that's so gross to admit but it's ever so TRUE.
And boom, it strikes me like a cramp. Pain. Strange visuals of an old friend that has decided to write me off with no warning or reason. OK, fine. F you then! Memories of a society I once was a vital member of, but then I decided to go overseas. Change. Then another visual of my old roommate and my passive aggressive tendencies. Ugh, it's getting harder and harder to love myself with my shadow haunting me.
And then I eat a hundred cookies in bed and hate my thighs.
People that really love themselves seem to love not only the sexy and charming sides but also the not-so-hot or neighbourly aspects of their persona. And- it has nothing to do with body weight. The friends that love themselves without narcissism or self satisfaction don't even mention their weight, and they are heavier than the status quo. They don't worry about their thighs or cellulite. They don't talk about their double chins or fat knees. Never ever. And all these people I am mentioning have strong and healthy romantic relationships and stable satisfying jobs. Coincidence?
Yeah- I don't think so
Here I am obsessing over my intake but loving butter and cheese too much to stop.
I look at my body and don't love it, berate myself for eating the 10th cookie or having a fifth helping of cheese.
An urgent need to feel good.
Love yourself. Love your body. Just the way it is. Soooo hard and yet sooo true. Life is too wonderful (only) to grumble about feeling fat.
Life is too short to not love yourself.
So, I leave you with this, my beloved readers. Be your favourite person. Don't mistake it for narcissism, but more so in your wondrous uniqueness that has blessed you to be on Earth. Know your purpose and fight to pursue it. My New Years resolution is to stop avoiding mirrors and to tell myself ' I love you B' once a day. Even if I have a mean pimple on my chin and even if I didn't do my breathing and even if my thighs are my enemy.
I love you. Thank you for taking a moment in your day to read my sometimes boring, neurotic and egocentric posts.
It'll be more interesting the next time, I swear!